Aparsen Lifestyle magazine.

MITCHELL LICHTENSTEIN’S 2007 TEETH

I have a question for the ladies out there and my question is this angerufen: How sweet would it be to hit a guy who has completely F’d you over where it hurts the most? And how sweet would it be to do it in a way that completely takes them by surprise and leaves them with nightmares for the rest of their lives??

Sound extreme? Perhaps. But admit that it does sound somewhat appealing and that it certainly captures your interest…..

teeth-movieIn the 2007 movie TEETH, sweet little Dawn (Jess Weixler) is a model teen, fully intending to remain a virgin until marriage. Unfortunately the odds in maintaining that oath are stacked against her. For starters, she lives in front of a nuclear power plant (and we all know how bad those toxic fumes can be.) She lives with her ailing mom, step father, and derelict step brother. But these things do not distract Dawn from her vow, and her determination makes her a prime candidate for The Promise O -a wonderful little group in her high school that preaches purity for the surrounding sinners.

Unfortunately a new student shows up -Toby - and Dawn feels temptation at most every turn. She vows she will not grow weak. Especially since she is starting to notice an “irregularity” about herself; something almost freakish. Something known as Vagina Dentata.

Now before you laugh, you might want to know that some claim this exists today. So judge not lest ye be judged and all that jazz. You might find yourself of the wrong end of a set of choppers if you get too vocal about your opinions on the subject. and based on the movie TEETH, I’d say that’s a pretty damned raw end…..

teethSo anyway, Dawn manages to get herself in a close-up wet situation with Toby and before you can say Oh hell!, Toby is forcing himself on a frightened and confused virgin. Unfortunately the one who suffers is Toby however, and soon a set of teeth are clamping down on his johnson in a way that makes Lorena Bobbitt look considerate. Poor little Dawn freaks out and abandons Toby to bleed to death in his watery grave.

So the next part of Teeth is Dawn taking a trip to the Ob-Gyn (the perv got what he deserved is all I am going to say about that!) and researching all she can on the subject of Vagina Dentata. All is not lost however, as folklore suggests that a “hero” can conquer the vile teeth and save Dawn from a world of celibacy.

Enter Ryan.

Ryan is an admirer of Dawns who takes advantage of a distraught virgin when she comes over crying on his shoulder, all the while spilling the beans of teeth and dead boyfriends…. Ryan slips her a mickie and soon is introducing her to sexual stimulations she was determined to forsake.

The tramp liked it! And as a result, Dawn was sure Ryan was the hero she read about since she was able to have sex with him while not biting off his weinie……

True to form though, a B movie would not be a B movie if it had a happy ending, and soon Ryan is showing his true nature of being a snake when he brags to his buddy on the phone about getting Dawn in the sack. In a fit of rage, Ryan becomes casualty #3 (I’m counting the Ob-Gyn’s fingers as causality #2 - piques your interest, doesn’t it?) And I gotta tell ya’, the director of this movie definitely does not have a problem with creating props of severed willies - convincingly, too!

TEETH does not offer a whole lot of blood or guts, but the visuals of dismemberment are pretty impressive. Not to mention thoughts of crazy revenge definitely might cross my your minds, so if nothing else, Teeth is good for reference points. I can hear myself now… “Honest officer! It’s a birth defect! I have no control over my Vagina Dentata!”

So is Teeth worth watching? Definitely. Although you won’t find any boob shots, the severed johnson’s are sure to entertain!

Thomas Jane’s 2009 Dark Country

It’s nice when you stumble across a movie that is unique in its story line kto volal. Inevitably though you find some part along the way that mimics another so its never truly totally unique. It’s frustrating as I long for originality so often and just as often am let down.

Ahhh well…. at least there is still an abundance of enjoyment in the 120 give or take minutes.

Today’s feature is Dark Country. A straight to DVD release, it’s a movie about a guy and his new wife heading to Sedona for their honeymoon. Apparently theirs was a whirlwind romance that took place over the course of approximately 24 hours in Vegas. After watching this movie, I think the saying should more accurately state “what happens in Vegas should STAY in Vegas” but that’s just my .02.

Typical for movies taking place in or around Vegas, their journey to their marital life of happiness takes them through the deserts of Arizona. This is a sure fire foreboding of inevitable doom and gloom to come. Too bad, too. They seemed like such a happy couple.

Dark Country stars Thomas Jane as Dick (yes, the Thomas Jane of HBO’s Hung, making his name is this flick kind of ironic, not to mention he also directed it so no surprise for the implied reference to his somewhat new HBO show) and Lauren German as Gina (Lauren has been in some B movies but nothing of any real notoriety.)

Certain stereotypes come to light pretty much from the word go, such as Dick getting lost and refusing to ask for directions, with Gina blaming him for everything that eventually goes wrong, up to and including the weather. It’s about this time when their heated discussion of fault causes them to hit a guy standing in the middle of the road out in the middle of their desert nowhere. The drifter seemingly had a bit of a mishap prior to their arrival as evidenced by his overturned burning car, and his bloodied and mangled face and body. Now here is where it starts to get weird as their new travel companion (gotta get him to a hospital, after all) seems to know one (if not both) of them. This cranks up Dick’s paranoia factor in that his new bride may not be so pristine (imagine that) and Gina getting more and more defensive and distant.

Dark Country is rather mysterious, and that is the basis I think Thomas Jane was going for: to keep the viewer guessing. You’ll come to certain conclusions easy enough as not much is involved in this film except a car, a rest area, desert, and less than 10 speaking characters, one of which is the B king Ron Perlman. I think this supports the “B” movie quality as the budget could not have been very high, however I suppose the actors negate that theory.

Although Dark Country does not offer a lot of blood or guts, supernatural elements or even zombies, it’s aura sucks you in and captivates you with its surreal eeriness. It’s surprisingly original in a Holly-world of copycats and remakes. For this reason you will feel a sense of familiar concepts as seen in other movies, but if you don’t get caught up in trying to place the moment, you will be impressed with Dark Country’s somewhat original twist. It keeps you guessing - and thinking - even after the credits roll (not to mention the monkey wrench it throws in your false-based knowledge of events.) If all this sounds somewhat cryptic, watch the movie. You will then understand fully.

Dark Country is the kind of movie I feel I could watch repeatedly, even knowing what the ending brings. I think each viewing would present something missed previously, offering alternate viewpoints every time.

So would I consider Dark Country LBOH recommended? Most definitely. So much so that it might even find its way into my vault of keepers.

2009 Orphan

I love movies that get me fired up. At the same time though, I hate them kdo volal. Which is the case with 2009’s intro into the devil child horror movies entitled Orphan. It succeeded in both.

orphan-1Upcoming child star Isabelle Fuhrman delivers an incredible portrayal of Esther, a 9-year old orphan somewhat different from other kids her age and rather proud of it. It’s this trait that actually endears her to John and Kate Coleman (not to be confused with Jon and Kate plus 8)- a couple who recently lost their unborn child and attempt to replace the void with Esther.

Things seem to go pretty well initially, but as the days progress we start to learn the family has some dark secrets that would indicate their home life is not that great. One secret being that Kate is a recovering alcoholic that almost let her youngest child Maxine drown in the bathtub; a wound that has never seemed to heal for either John or Kate.

We also begin to see Esther’s true colors emerge as she plots the life she envisions with just her new “daddy” in tow, and subsequently attempts to kill those she feels a threat to her new life or in her way. John is too stupid and too dumb to see the warning signs, or to even listen to his wife’s investigative findings. Instead he alienates himself from his wife even further, thus allowing for the climatic and inevitable conclusion.

Orphan alludes to the same evil connotations as that of The Omen and The Good Son, but is delivered so much more believably. Isabelle Fuhrman is amazing in her portrayal of amoral Esther and the many persona’s she exhibits, from that of a frightened 9 year old child to the adult seductress she plays in an attempt to lure a drunken John. She is systematically methodic, detailed, driven, and heartless. Her demeanor invokes many emotions from the viewer, with pity being the least of them. As well, Vera Farmiga is equally effective as Kate, showing remarkable depth as a loving -albeit somewhat dysfunctional- wife, mother, and protector.

I was probably most impressed with Aryana Engineer as little Max. Her role of being a deaf-mute child and her ability to believably deliver convincing facial expressions and body language was so impressive to me that it’s hard to imagine this being her first film. While the other character roles lured me in, hers certainly set the hook (Drew Barrymore and Dakota Fanning look out!)

While the ending of Orphan provided much hoped for satisfaction -and blood- it still left a couple points unfulfilled. I suppose this is to be expected, as there has to be a margin for one’s imagination to take over but I did feel slightly cheated. Watch it and you will see what I mean.

Overall, Orphan was a very entertaining and frightening movie. Moreso that I expected or even hoped for, which makes this one a winner in my book. When a movie can horrify the viewer with tangible substance not geared towards gore? Yeh - definitely a win. See it. You won’t be disappointed.

TANKA TIME LOST EDEN

It’s been awhile now archiv Pardubice… I’ve never felt so alone. What have I become? A zombie? Unfit to love? Rotting and covered in blood?

I long for one touch That can dry my un-shed tears; That can save my dead, un-beating heart from this fate…. That can spare me this self hate.

So I wait…. for what? Love? Or to feast on raw flesh? And while I wait my thoughts take flight like fleeting hope devoured by the harsh night….

(Have you missed the first 3 installments of my ongoing Zombie Tanka? Well fear not! You can read the first installment here, the second installment here, and the third installment here. When you are done, be sure to sign up for my RSS FEED so as not to miss the future installments guaranteed to be bloody and fun!