Aparsen Lifestyle magazine.

MITCHELL LICHTENSTEIN’S 2007 TEETH

I have a question for the ladies out there and my question is this angerufen: How sweet would it be to hit a guy who has completely F’d you over where it hurts the most? And how sweet would it be to do it in a way that completely takes them by surprise and leaves them with nightmares for the rest of their lives??

Sound extreme? Perhaps. But admit that it does sound somewhat appealing and that it certainly captures your interest…..

teeth-movieIn the 2007 movie TEETH, sweet little Dawn (Jess Weixler) is a model teen, fully intending to remain a virgin until marriage. Unfortunately the odds in maintaining that oath are stacked against her. For starters, she lives in front of a nuclear power plant (and we all know how bad those toxic fumes can be.) She lives with her ailing mom, step father, and derelict step brother. But these things do not distract Dawn from her vow, and her determination makes her a prime candidate for The Promise O -a wonderful little group in her high school that preaches purity for the surrounding sinners.

Unfortunately a new student shows up -Toby - and Dawn feels temptation at most every turn. She vows she will not grow weak. Especially since she is starting to notice an “irregularity” about herself; something almost freakish. Something known as Vagina Dentata.

Now before you laugh, you might want to know that some claim this exists today. So judge not lest ye be judged and all that jazz. You might find yourself of the wrong end of a set of choppers if you get too vocal about your opinions on the subject. and based on the movie TEETH, I’d say that’s a pretty damned raw end…..

teethSo anyway, Dawn manages to get herself in a close-up wet situation with Toby and before you can say Oh hell!, Toby is forcing himself on a frightened and confused virgin. Unfortunately the one who suffers is Toby however, and soon a set of teeth are clamping down on his johnson in a way that makes Lorena Bobbitt look considerate. Poor little Dawn freaks out and abandons Toby to bleed to death in his watery grave.

So the next part of Teeth is Dawn taking a trip to the Ob-Gyn (the perv got what he deserved is all I am going to say about that!) and researching all she can on the subject of Vagina Dentata. All is not lost however, as folklore suggests that a “hero” can conquer the vile teeth and save Dawn from a world of celibacy.

Enter Ryan.

Ryan is an admirer of Dawns who takes advantage of a distraught virgin when she comes over crying on his shoulder, all the while spilling the beans of teeth and dead boyfriends…. Ryan slips her a mickie and soon is introducing her to sexual stimulations she was determined to forsake.

The tramp liked it! And as a result, Dawn was sure Ryan was the hero she read about since she was able to have sex with him while not biting off his weinie……

True to form though, a B movie would not be a B movie if it had a happy ending, and soon Ryan is showing his true nature of being a snake when he brags to his buddy on the phone about getting Dawn in the sack. In a fit of rage, Ryan becomes casualty #3 (I’m counting the Ob-Gyn’s fingers as causality #2 - piques your interest, doesn’t it?) And I gotta tell ya’, the director of this movie definitely does not have a problem with creating props of severed willies - convincingly, too!

TEETH does not offer a whole lot of blood or guts, but the visuals of dismemberment are pretty impressive. Not to mention thoughts of crazy revenge definitely might cross my your minds, so if nothing else, Teeth is good for reference points. I can hear myself now… “Honest officer! It’s a birth defect! I have no control over my Vagina Dentata!”

So is Teeth worth watching? Definitely. Although you won’t find any boob shots, the severed johnson’s are sure to entertain!